Sunday, June 28, 2009

I'm Alive...

I have been doing bootcamp, but nothing more and nothing less. In the first week I was working out twice per day, sticking to my points and super motivated. NOW I'm working out only when and for how long they tell me too, and although I'm eating what they ask me to eat I'm not tracking points. Last week I gained 1 lb. This week I'm just hoping to lose that 1 lb or STS.

My trainer is going to be so disappointed in me. I should be dropping 3-5 lbs per week; and although I lost 15 lbs in 15 days, I then went another 15 days with very little, if any progress. I get my calipers done today so at least we'll see if I lost inches. I do fell kinda bloated and water logged today though because I drank the last two nights in a row.

I keep on having drinks with friends because it's a fun and easy escape from my life. I have been hanging out with the new room mate a lot so we can get to know each other a bit before he moves in. I am pretty apprehensive now, though. I feel like I'm making a HUGE mistake. I think I need to go to counseling... :(

I'm really scared that leaving my husband was a bad choice. I do love him very, very much.

Overall I'm just feeling pretty down. I haven't been spending a lot of time on the computer. I will try to get back into the routine of posting my workouts and stuff. It's just hard when the enthusiasm isn't there!

One thing that is really bothering me is... my new room mate and his friends seem to be fat-phobic. I didn't realize that about him at first, but I've gone with him and his friends to play pool a few times and I am starting to pick up on it. A few nights ago I sat there and listened to them all talk about this really overweight woman in the corner of the pub. She was not dressed appropriately for her body type in my opinion, which is probably why she was attracting the negative attention. If she was sitting in the corner dressed normally they may not even have noticed her. Also, I hear them talk about women the go out on dates with and stuff and they talk about how she 'had a nice body' or 'was a bit bigger' or whatever... very focused on appearance instead of saying 'she was funny' or 'she seemed smart.' It REALLY got to me.

Anyways, it made me feel weird. I forget that I've lost so much weight and I'm not as fat as I used to be. It's been almost a year and a half since I reached 100lbs lost, I've been maintaining at this weight for a while. I am still overweight but I often forget that I am normal-overweight not wow-look-at-her overweight. :(

I feel very sad and confused and messed up about a lot of things. I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm doing, and what is important to me seems to be changing on a daily basis. I can't think :(

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