Losing steam...

Help me, I'm losing steam!

I have been really struggling to stay motivated. I went to the gym today and on Wednesday, but it was like pulling teeth to get my arse out the door. I was practically dragging myself there against my own will. haha

I only have one week left of bootcamp and I've gained a few pounds in the 10 day hiatus I took. It snowballed from missing one class to missing a whole week or more of tracking and exercising. It's amazing how easy it is to just skip once, skip twice, and then next thing you know you haven't been to gym in nearly two weeks!

I did go to my last few classes, and I won't be missing any more, but I'm struggling to get back to tracking and drinking water, and ultimately CARING about weight loss.

I think a good week back on plan may cure this motivation lull, but we'll see. I have a really busy week coming up with practicum and whatnot, but that will help me plan and journal, because I have to be packing lunches the night before.

Sigh!!

At least I did a killer spin & weights class tonight, to counteract the two big vegan cookies I ate today :P

I am annoyed.
When I'm annoyed, I want to eat.
When I'm annoyed about not being able to eat something, I especially want to eat.

Today at the gym my trainer pushed me so hard on the spin bike and then the weights that I nearly threw up. I had to stop mid-class to rest and drink water. He was getting on my back about it, when my death-glare must have clued him in. If I had opened my mouth to say "I'm going to barf", I would have barfed.

At the end of the class we reviewed my food journal. He didn't even CARE about what I ate over Thanksgiving. He didn't care one bit. However, he did care about a million other things and sent me home feeling pretty ticked off. He has decided that I am to have:

1) No more cereal for breakfast. (He doesn't care if it's healthy like High Fiber Bran, Vector, Just Right, Kashi, or whatever. No cereal period). I am to have oatmeal instead. I don't have a lot of time in the morning so I guess I'll be making oatmeal before bed at night.)

2) No more carbs at dinner. No potatoes, rice, pasta, whatever. He said veggies and protein only, and fruit in the evenings for snacks. THIS one PISSES me off! I don't know why... but it does. I am really good at watching what I eat in terms of portion sizes and healthfulness, but when someone says I CANT have something... it triggers this monster inside that makes me want to go on a binge-spree of said item. So of course, this made me want to devour a bunch of potatoes and bread. Thankfully, my boyfriend talked to me about everything, made me feel a bit better about it, and agreed that he will go without carbs in the evenings too - we'll do it together. I love this man :)

3) Measure my food. He only seems to care about breakfast and lunch portions, though. Uh, okay. Done.

4) Bring in nutritional info for all the weirdo vegan food I eat. Well, he didn't call it weird, but he's been constantly harping at me about almond milk and mock meats. For example, I have tried to explain that almond milk is WAY better than soy milk but he wants proof. Ugh.


I think in addition to all that stuff I was mostly annoyed because he was saying that he wants to see "bigger numbers" from me. He says I'm doing good but that he knows I can do better - that I need to up my cardio and make this little changes in my diet to get better results. I am trying SO HARD! Yes I only lost 9.5 lbs last month. (I realize the absurdity of that statement). However, the calipers showed the 20 lb fat loss, 11 lb lean mass gain. He doesn't care. He says calipers are useless and I should ignore them totally; the scale is what matters.

Grumble.

So I haven't written in a while. Life's been BUSY.

I had another 0 at weigh in last week. How frustrating!! 3 weeks at the same weight means I'm REALLY hoping to lose something this week. It really sucks to be going to the gym 6 days per week, watching my boyfriend eat delicious snacks, and *licks lips* the wine... oh how I miss the wine... all for a big fat GOOSE EGG at the scale.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but it's hard. I'm paying BIG money for this bootcamp, I'm busting my arse. I know I'm not getting as much cardio in as I should be, however, I am juggling this with full time university and a job. I'm only human... my housework has certainly fallen to the wayside over all of this.

I've been trying not to binge eat, because I've been craving carbs pretty badly. I don't know if I'm eating enough protein because I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I have been getting a little mock ham in my lunch sandwich, and whatever tofu/Gardien chik'n/beans, etc that we have for dinner. It's enough to be healthful but I think I need more.

I had a little epiphany the other day. I was dragging my arse to the gym, as I feel like I have been doing all week. Ever since my last post about not wanting to go I've continued to feel like that. Yesterday when I was walking and whining inside my head "I don't want to go" "Ugh, I don't have time for this" etc, a little light bulb went on. By resisting it, I'm simply making it harder for myself. I need an attitude adjustment! Things are much more pleasant and much easier when we embrace them. I have taken the "it's happening, so I may as well try to enjoy it" attitude yesterday and today and I've had 2 really good workouts. Much better than if I got there and started thinking "This sucks, I'm going to just do 20 minutes" or whatever.

But I don't WANNA!!

*stomp stomp* HA-RUMPH!

I don't WANT to go to the gym. I want to lay around all night eating chocolate and cuddling my boyfriend. Wahhhhh!!!

..
....

Okay, so that was a bit dramatic. But I really don't feel like going. Alas, I am off to the gym in about 5 minutes, dragging my sorry (and SORE) arse behind me.

Harrumph.

Day One. Ouchie.

Cardio warm up: 5 minute walk to gym, plus 15 minutes of walking/jogging combo on the treadmill. Incline 2, alternating speeds 3.5 & 4.5

Today we started with the following:

squats with vertical pole (30 slow reps, 30 fast reps)

stiff leg deadlift with bent over row (60 reps)

barbell curls with shoulder press (30 reps)

vertical bar french press with squats (20 reps)

push ups (60)

lunges, crunches (in various capacities: basic, alternating holding one leg up, legs moving in and out, both knees up, etc) (140 - 2 sets of 10 reps each position)

lunges with knee raises (60)

superman drill (120)

We went through that sequence twice!

Then we stretched for a few minutes.

Now I'm sore :(

My food today:

B: Nature's Path cereal, blueberries & almond milk

S: Apple, almonds

L: Tortilla with Gardien mock chicken breast, lettuce, tomato & mustard

S: Pear, 1/2 cookie

D: Vegan chili with small slice whole grain focaccia

I also drank 5L of water.

My trainer is dumb. I know more about proper form than he does. He kept telling us to "straighten our legs" when locking your knees is NOT GOOD! I would keep the slightest bend and he'd come by and say "straighten your legs!"

HELLOooo... You are not supposed to lift weights with locked knees!! Clearly all those years as a Chippendales dancer were NOT used to pay his way through university...

Also, he calls for reps toooooo fast! He says "updown updown updown" when there should be a slow up and down movement, like "up two three, down two three" because just moving the barbells up and down that fast is mostly working on momentum, and not actually engaging the muscles. Luckily, I know my way around a gym and I've done lots of training before, but the other people in the group (who are paying a LOT of money!) are not being given the best information possible. I ran these perceived mistakes by my boyfriend (who is also a personal trainer!) and he agreed with me that I was right. He thinks I should mention it to the manager if I'm not comfortable mentioning it to the trainer. Someone could get hurt!

Ugh. I did get a great workout though, and the people on my team seem really nice :)

I think I'll take a hot bath to relax my muscles a bit, and then go cuddle on the couch with my wonderful, lovely, perfect-for-me boyfriend :) <3

full...

Ugh, I am so super full right now. In fact, I sort of feel like this fish:

My boyfriend made two loaves of fresh whole wheat focaccia bread, so we had veggie paninis for lunch. It seems that deciding to do this bootcamp has given me an excuse to stop counting points and just eat until I'm full. Bad idea!! I wanted a little scoop of ice-cream and maybe to share a bottle of wine with Joe, simply because it will be 12 weeks before I'm able to do those things again - however I've taken it a bit far by abandoning points altogether. I haven't gone crazy or anything, I've still been eating healthful - as I always do - however I've taken a bigger helping here and an extra bite there - and now I feel like the fish in this comic!! hehe

Anyways, I've got a big glass of water and I'm going make something light, fresh and healthy for dinner - probably just salad. I'll be counting points again tomorrow. Perhaps I can get some APs in tonight or tomorrow as well. It's amazing to me that I really do NOT like the feeling of being full, where before, at my highest weight - that is what I would strive for.

I also love that I can curb myself really fast now. I have one not-even-that-bad day and it's right back on track... simply because I really don't like the feeling of being out of control, or eating too much, or eating poorly. It makes me feel yucky.

I work a lot for the next few days and then it back to school. Bootcamp starts in T-9 days!! Sunday September 12th will be our first outdoor workout. I will post a frumpy, flabby, unflattering "before" pic for all of you to enjoy :)

feeling emotional

For some reason this whole bootcamp thing has been making me really emotional. I even dreamed about it last night. I feel so sick and tired of being fat. I've been on this journey for four years and I'm just SO ready to be at goal. Ready NOW.

I am willing to put in the effort it takes, the sweat and dedication, but I need to be seeing results. As of now I am exercising daily and eating well, but yielding painstakingly slow results ( less than .5 lbs/week! ). I look and feel better than ever - which has given me a taste for more. I just want it so bad!!

I keep wracking my brain trying to decide if I can come up with the money. Technically I *can* do it, but it's more a question of *should* I. Would it be irresponsible to spend that kind of money? I can't believe how expensive it is. BUT I'm trying to look at it as an investment that may not return in dollar signs, but in a healthful and long life.

I was laying on the couch tonight thinking about how badly I want this and I started to get choked up. It's basically like someone saying "Give me $820 and I'll get you to goal in twelve weeks." I have to bust my ass at the gym and eat a very healthful diet - so yes I have to do the work - but having that structured program to whip me in to shape has always been where I thrive.

I have a little voice telling me I can do it on my own, but it will take longer. Probably another year or more, with effort. I feel like a little kid having a temper tantrum, saying "No, NOW!! I want it NOWWWWWW"

Sigh.

I'm going to see if the gym owner will give me a discount as a returning participant, and see if my family may contribute. My boyfriend is very supportive of whatever I choose, so ultimately it's my own decision.

Heavier sigh.

Missed Boot Camp

Yesterday I skipped my regular cardio routine and just went for a walk.
Today I didn't go to boot camp.

I have having problems at home, I shouldn't let that interfere with my bootcamp but I am kind of a mess right now. My trainer is going to KILL me for missing 2 days - and I drank some beer. He'll probably prescribe me 30,000 lunges. lol

My belly aches, my head aches, and my heart aches :(

I'm very sad.

Didn't Sleep.

Workout Length: 75 mins
Calories Burned: 628 (60% fat)

Oh man.

I have a lot on my mind these days, and I did not sleep at all last night. I went to bed really late - midnight - and then I was awake staring at the roof until 5 am, right before my alarm went off. I didn't even sleep 20 mins here 20 mins there - I just didn't sleep at all. Not a wink.

When I got up and got dressed for the gym, I didn't even feel that tired, but I knew I would be a lot weaker and stuff. We did another body bar workout, including legs, abs, and arms, and I was SO dead. I could barely do 10 reps above my head before feeling exhausted. I am usually much better than that.

Anyways I came home and took a nap, I'm a bit better now. I may go for a walk later since I didn't give my all at class this morning.

My trainer was just happy I showed up at all, after explaining to him I had no sleep. lol

Exhausted - Week 2 Day 3

Workout Length: 75 minutes
Calories Burned: Unknown :(

I forgot to start my heartrate watch today, not sure how that happened. I love seeing the calories burned so I can gauge how hard I'm working. Today would have been a great day to have it on too because MAN was it a difficult workout!!

I am so insanely exhausted right now. I am going back to bed for an hour before work. I don't know whether the work out was especially hard because I was tired, or if it's just getting harder 'cause they always want to kick our butts just beyond our capabilities.

We did a ton of arm exercises. I had 8lb weights, which isn't that heavy, but when you are doing 3 sets of 15 reps back to back with no break, it's tough.

We did bicep curls, alternating bicep curls, shoulder press, alternating shoulder press, tricep press, alternating tricep press, incline press, alternating incline press... 15 of each, ALL with no break in between... *falls over*

We sit across from a mirror and I could see myself grimacing and hear myself grunting by the end of it! lol

Then we did a bunch of ab and leg exercises, squats and crunches and the usual. I am really bad at using the balance ball. We have to sit on it and lift our feet off the ground and I can only do it for a few seconds at a time, at most. I have no core strength and no coordination! lol

I am super exhausted, I stayed up wayyyyy too late last night. I need to go back to sleep for an hour or I won't make it through my shift!!

(I'm still annoyed my watch didn't track the workout, but oh well)

Week Two Begins

Strength - Bootcamp
Workout Length: 75 minutes
Calories Burned: 871 cal (55% fat)

Cardio - Walk
Workout Length: 90 minutes
Calories Burned: 1021 (60% fat)

This morning's bootcamp seems so long ago... I usually post right after I get home, but I had some things to do this morning, and then went for a walk around the lake.

We did a similar work out to last week, but he upped the difficulty a bit -- shorter breaks, less often. We did the usual legs, abs, and arms work out. Using a body bar, we did lots of squats and whatever-they're-called presses where you lift the bar above your head. My arms are still quite weak but getting better!

My allergies are still driving me crazy, and my ankle is really sore. The roof of my mouth is itchy, my eyes are dry, and when I was walking around the lake my ankle felt really tender. I think I'll take it easy tonight... cook some dinner and watch a movie :)

I usually do separate posts for my bootcamp workouts and my cardio workouts, but I'm feeling lazy today (hah lazy? Tired maybe - I earned 10 APs before 1 pm! lol) so I just threw'em both in here.

Blugh. I have all the food in my house to make Thai Red Curry and Bulgur Chickpea Curry. The Bulgur one would probably be okay, but I can't really see my trainer approving of the Thai Red (I only have regular-fat coconut milk, not light). I want to use up the groceries I have. I think as long as I stay within my points, I should be okay. (That worked last week, I did my own thing and lost 7 lbs!)

Grump Grump Grump.

I wanted to go for a walk this evening but I can't find anyone to go with me. Everyone is either drinking wine, going out for desserts, watching movies, or doing whatever else. I don't feel like going alone. It's already after 9:30 pm.

I think I'll feel bad if I don't go, but at the same time... relaxing does sound nice.

I don't want to boredom eat, and I don't want to sit around and do nothing. But I also don't feel like walking downtown by myself.

I don't know. I'm torn :(

Not Hungry

I found it really hard to eat all my points today, and that NEVER happens to me. Ever.
I am thinking maybe the vegan protein powder is keeping me full so I'm not really craving food. I could barely finish my dinner, but I forced myself to because I knew I couldn't be under my points - especially with all the exercise I'm doing.
I'm really sore and I'm really glad they partnered us up with someone because if I didn't have someone meeting me at the gym in the morning I'd TOTALLY just skip out! haha.

I went for a walk this evening, too... It wasn't much but it earned me a the few extra activity points I wanted. That was 10 today. I'm going to aim for 10 on my days off, and 7 on workdays.

Groan... Moan...

I'm so sore. I feel like I'm going to die.

That is all.

Too Early to be Alive....

Workout Length: 1 hr 20 min
Calories Burned: 1050

I slept terribly last night. I tried to go to bed at 11:00, but didn't end up falling asleep until 1 am. I remember looking at the clock at 12:40, still wide awake, and then a bit after that I finally drifted off. I woke up three or four times during the night, when finally the alarm went off at 4:50 am.

To state the obvious: that's really early.

I threw on my gym clothes and rushed to the gym. We had decided that anyone who is late has to do 30 pushups, haha! I got there at 5:29:55! Thank goodness.

I did 20 minutes on the treadmill... speed 3.5 incline 3-8. I'd have gone longer but that was just our warm up. I considered hopping back on after our workout but decided I'll save my energy and exercise again this evening!

TODAYS WORKOUT:

Squats with vertical pole - 10 slow, 10 fast, 10 second hold. (3 sets)
Stiff leg deadlift with bent over row - 10 reps each, (3 sets)
Barbell curls with shoulder press - 21 reps/10 reps (3 sets)
Vertical bar french press w/squats - 10 reps each (3 sets)
Wall push ups - 20 reps (3 sets)
Lunges with vertical bar, knee raises - 10 reps each (3 sets)

On the mat - 10 reps and 3 sets each

Basic Crunches
Crunches w/one knee up
Crunches w/ one knee in/out

Switch legs and do it again

Crunches w/both knees up
Upper and lower abs together
Basic Crunches

10 minute full body stretch

I was home and showered and totally finished by 7:30 am. It's weird this early in the morning... I can't call anyone to chat, I can't run my errands... I'm almost thinking I may go back to bed! haha. I plan to do some more cardio this evening, probably just light though - like a walk around the harbour or something.

I am going to have trouble spreading my points over the course of the day, considering it's 9 am and I've already had breakfast and a snack! I'll have to pick up tons of veggies so that I've got 0 point snacks throughout the day.

I may write more later... I'm in desperate need of a nap.