Losing steam...

Help me, I'm losing steam!

I have been really struggling to stay motivated. I went to the gym today and on Wednesday, but it was like pulling teeth to get my arse out the door. I was practically dragging myself there against my own will. haha

I only have one week left of bootcamp and I've gained a few pounds in the 10 day hiatus I took. It snowballed from missing one class to missing a whole week or more of tracking and exercising. It's amazing how easy it is to just skip once, skip twice, and then next thing you know you haven't been to gym in nearly two weeks!

I did go to my last few classes, and I won't be missing any more, but I'm struggling to get back to tracking and drinking water, and ultimately CARING about weight loss.

I think a good week back on plan may cure this motivation lull, but we'll see. I have a really busy week coming up with practicum and whatnot, but that will help me plan and journal, because I have to be packing lunches the night before.

Sigh!!

At least I did a killer spin & weights class tonight, to counteract the two big vegan cookies I ate today :P

B: Steel cut oats, blueberries, almond milk and cinnamon
S: Strawberries
L: Vegetable stirfry w/tofu and brown rice noodles
S: Mixed nuts & mandarin orange
D: Split pea & mock-ham soup, crackers

I will get at least 30 mins of cardio before my fitness class tonight, hopefully more. It is amazing how much easier it is to eat right when you pack you lunch and plan you breakfast the night before!! I am going to have a great day for food and exercise, I can feel it :)

ETA: Followed the plan well, but added in a glass of almond milk w/protein powder before the gym. It was gross, but I was hungry. haha

Halfway... dang.

As predicted, I am up 1 lb today.

Today was the Week 6 weigh in. That means I'm half way through the program. I'm a bit disappointed with my numbers to date, but there is no sense dwelling on it. I have been working on an attitude makeover for the new week. I want to WANT to work hard, I want to WANT to eat well. Instead of phrasing everything in a "I don't want to" way, I need to remember why I'm doing this and that I have limited time with this amazing opportunity.

Push yourself! There are only six weeks left!!

I am going to get back to weighing and measuring my food, and work really hard at the gym this week. My Tuesday and Thursday cardio will be a solid 45-60 minutes.

I can do better! I hope to make my goal of 199 by the end of this program. I can reach that if I really put my mind to it.

I will be posting portion sizes and cardio workouts for the week on here, to keep myself accountable :)

One mistake per day?

I seem to be getting into this strange habit of making a mistake each day with my meal plan or exercise. I'll be totally, 100% on plan, things will be going fabulously - and then OOPS! I ate a cookie. Or OOPS, Starbucks accidentally gave me something sugary, instead of the plain tea I ordered... and I drink it anyways.

I'm just wondering why I allow myself those little blips. It's weird, I don't feel THAT bad about them, but it makes me wonder if having a PERFECT day is even possible.

Today I wanted to get 40 minutes of cardio, but the fire alarm went off at the gym and it rang and rang forever... totally taking me out of my zone. I cut out 15 minutes early. YES I walked around the mall for 2 hours afterwards, but it's not the same.

I might look at tomorrow or Thursday and REALLY put the effort in to make it 100% perfect. It is hard when I have all kinds of delicious vegan treats laying about :)

I went shopping for new work/teaching pants (teaching pants? lol) today, and both pairs I bought were a size 18. The fit is really nice & flattering. They will fit great for my upcoming practicum, and will likely be a bit baggy for the practicum after that - if all goes according to plan. Based on that I tried to buy them nice and snug and not too expensive. I'm hoping I don't have to get another pair until the bootcamp is over (although I can't be TOO peeved if I do - being smaller would be nice!)

Saturday thoughts :)

My legs are killing me today. Ouchie!!
We had our workout last night and we did some really hard stuff.

We did one legged squats, where you put one foot up over your knee and then squat. We did rope lunges, where you place your foot on the boxing ring rope and then lunge forward with the other leg. (1 legged lunges, essentially) We did a bazillion push ups, lots of crunches. I tried to get a little extra cardio in.

I *really* need to ditch my home scale, but I am finding it extremely difficult. I stepped on this morning and it is still showing me up 1 lb. It causes me to wrack my brain with "what should I do? More cardio? Rest day and lots of water? Eat more? Eat less??"

My boyfriend told me to STOP weighing myself, but it's not that easy. My trainer told me to stop, the gym owner told me to STOP. I went to all three of them with "what should I do, the scale says I'm up!?" and all of them say "Who cares?" If you are eating right, exercising, and following the plan, you will NOT get fat, you will NOT gain weight. It's a fluctuation, simple as that.

I know I always give that advice to other people, but I am admittedly scale obsessed. I thought about telling my boyfriend to hide the scale on me while I'm at work so I don't know where it is. When I went to call him, I felt anxious (no scale!?!) and chickened out. What the heck??

I was thinking about this on the way to work. I think it is a bizarre need to show others that I'm succeeding. I don't want to be up because then when my mom, friends, or teammates ask about my WI, I have to tell them. I feel like I have something to prove, but I don't know what and I don't know to who.

Yesterday in class, all of my classmates were talking about how inspiring it was to watch me climb a 3 story tall tree even though I'm desperately afraid of heights. The first time I did it, I was hyperventilating and crying by the time I got to the top. I am REALLY afraid of heights. The next day, I felt like I had to try it again, to do it without freaking out, just to show I could. I did - I climbed all the way to the top, and then even did the swinging bridge. My friends were all cheering at the bottom and taking pictures. People I barely know came and told me how proud they were of me. It was embarrassing... but I had to prove to myself and other people that I wasn't going to let something that scares me control me.

There was one point at about 7 meters high where I was completely frozen in fear, my fingers were freezing and purple, and my body would not move despite my mind. All I could say was "I'm stuck!! I can't do this, I'm stuck!" But then I would use the mantra that my previous Professor (and now dear friend) told me: "I choose to feel relaxed and calm"... I mantra'd my way through and managed to get my body climbing again. Later, my friend Jeff said "I honestly thought you were going to give up. If I was stuck on the side of the tree like that, and as afraid as you were, I would have given up."

I kind of feel like that is how it is with my weight loss. When I have everyone around me staring at me, waiting to see if I give up... I power through and keep going. If there was no audience it would probably be a different story. Who climbs a 3 story tree with no one around to watch?

I will not eat the Chai Oreo Ice-cream cake in the freezer.

I will not eat the Chai Oreo Ice-cream cake in the freezer.

I get these fabulous ideas for delicious food, like I dunno... CHAI and OREO together in a soy ice cream cake... and then I'm required to have will power and restraint against that which I myself created???

Edited to add: I did manage to resist, only based on the fact that it is 9:30 at night and a sugar high would not exactly help me fall asleep :)