feeling emotional

For some reason this whole bootcamp thing has been making me really emotional. I even dreamed about it last night. I feel so sick and tired of being fat. I've been on this journey for four years and I'm just SO ready to be at goal. Ready NOW.

I am willing to put in the effort it takes, the sweat and dedication, but I need to be seeing results. As of now I am exercising daily and eating well, but yielding painstakingly slow results ( less than .5 lbs/week! ). I look and feel better than ever - which has given me a taste for more. I just want it so bad!!

I keep wracking my brain trying to decide if I can come up with the money. Technically I *can* do it, but it's more a question of *should* I. Would it be irresponsible to spend that kind of money? I can't believe how expensive it is. BUT I'm trying to look at it as an investment that may not return in dollar signs, but in a healthful and long life.

I was laying on the couch tonight thinking about how badly I want this and I started to get choked up. It's basically like someone saying "Give me $820 and I'll get you to goal in twelve weeks." I have to bust my ass at the gym and eat a very healthful diet - so yes I have to do the work - but having that structured program to whip me in to shape has always been where I thrive.

I have a little voice telling me I can do it on my own, but it will take longer. Probably another year or more, with effort. I feel like a little kid having a temper tantrum, saying "No, NOW!! I want it NOWWWWWW"

Sigh.

I'm going to see if the gym owner will give me a discount as a returning participant, and see if my family may contribute. My boyfriend is very supportive of whatever I choose, so ultimately it's my own decision.

Heavier sigh.

Biggest Loser - Round Two??

I *REALLY* want to do The Biggest Loser bootcamp again.

But it is SO MUCH money!

I've been researching, and all the bootcamps around here average between 160 and 200 dollars a month. They are crazy expensive, but after experiencing the bootcamp last summer I know it's worth it.

The one in particular I want to do - Biggest Loser (the one I started this blog for last summer) - is $820 for THREE MONTHS. That's a lot of money!! It was only $450 last year so obviously they've discovered that people will pay big bucks to lose so much weight.

However, I know it works. I did it last year and lost 43 lbs in 12 weeks. I wasn't even giving it my all - go back and read my posts! Occasionally I would skip days, drink on weekends, and not always follow the plan. I did also have great days, however I was in a dark place after leaving my husband. I still managed to loose that much in that short of a time. I really feel like if I were to do it again - now that I'm so much HAPPIER and STRONGER, and now that I know what I'd be committing to - I really feel like it would get me to my goal weight - or really close.

I feel so ready to be at goal. It's been over 4 years since I started this journey.

Trouble is coming up with that kind of money...

I was thinking about asking my family to contribute, they are usually quite supportive in my weight loss endeavors. It is my birthday in a few weeks so I may ask for that in lieu of gifts. I don't know...

I posted this on WW.ca so this might be a repeat for anyone who reads both boards.

I went shopping in Vancouver yesterday with my sister and mom. It was fun! EVERY single thing I tried on FIT, in every store! It felt so good to shop in non-plus size stores, to shop where my sister was shopping, and to really like everything I tried.

I am so confused about sizing these days. Either that or I'm confused about my body, haha. Yesterday I bought a hoodie from Lululemon that was size 12. I was amazed that anything from that store fit me, let alone be a TWELVE. I brushed it off as big sizing. Then, I went to Lotus Wear. I bought a pair of yoga pants... in a 12! Haha. Two twelves in one day. The 14 was too big! I still chalk it up to big sizing, because in Additionelle or Penningtons I'm an 16-18 top/18-20 bottom.

The clothes from Old Navy were all either L or XL (instead of the XXL or XXXL they offer). It was great! :)

All in all it was a very successful shopping trip. And now that I have two size twelves in my wardrobe, I can pretend that I'm a size 12. :P

good day, not so good day

Yesterday: (GOOD DAY)

Woke up, jogged to the gym, worked out for an hour, walked home. Then, I walked to and from work (to work, home for lunch, to work, back home). I ate well, then in the evening I biked over to a friends house and back. It was a really great day!!

Today: (NOT SO GOOD DAY)
Woke up, walked to work. Ate thai food for lunch. Walked home. We are having vegan pizza for dinner, and plans to drink some cider and have a stay-in night. I'm okay with all this but feeling a little guilty about the thai lunch AND pizza AND cider in one day - with little exercise.

Tomorrow is my first WI for my Long Term Challenge (30lbs by Dec 31)

HOWEVER - That said - tomorrow I am going to Vancouver with my mom and sister for a girls day, so we will be WALKING ALL DAY and shopping. I imagine I'll be walking for 8-10 hours. Okay. I feel better now. Sort of... :P

Scale addiction

I have been weighing myself every day. Sometimes twice. I know this is a bad habit to have, but I still do it. The number doesn't effect my mood or my behaviour, but perhaps that is because it has been creeping down or staying the same. If I had a giant gain it might be a different story.

I would hide the scales but my boyfriend is a daily weigher, too. Maybe we can talk about hiding them and weighing in together once per week. I'll report back what the decision is...

:)

New goals set :)

I have always known that I do much better when I set goals for myself, yet somehow I tend to ignore that. I recently cracked a milestone - with barely any effort - and it has re-inspired me to set some proper goals.

So here it goes!

I will go to the gym 3x per week, bike twice, and walk daily.
I will track my diet using fitday.com and weightwatchers.ca
I will drink 3L+ of water, daily.

My next weight goal has been set for December 31, 2010.

Current weight: 229.8
Target weight: 199.8
Total 30 lbs in just under 19 weeks

It CAN be done, but I will have to bust my arse!! I will be tracking, exercising, and weighing in. I have made a progress chart to make sure I'm on track to kicking these 30 lbs.

I know it will be a very meaningful day for me to see 199 lbs; I would LOVE to see that on the scale!