Losing steam...

Help me, I'm losing steam!

I have been really struggling to stay motivated. I went to the gym today and on Wednesday, but it was like pulling teeth to get my arse out the door. I was practically dragging myself there against my own will. haha

I only have one week left of bootcamp and I've gained a few pounds in the 10 day hiatus I took. It snowballed from missing one class to missing a whole week or more of tracking and exercising. It's amazing how easy it is to just skip once, skip twice, and then next thing you know you haven't been to gym in nearly two weeks!

I did go to my last few classes, and I won't be missing any more, but I'm struggling to get back to tracking and drinking water, and ultimately CARING about weight loss.

I think a good week back on plan may cure this motivation lull, but we'll see. I have a really busy week coming up with practicum and whatnot, but that will help me plan and journal, because I have to be packing lunches the night before.

Sigh!!

At least I did a killer spin & weights class tonight, to counteract the two big vegan cookies I ate today :P

Halfway... dang.

As predicted, I am up 1 lb today.

Today was the Week 6 weigh in. That means I'm half way through the program. I'm a bit disappointed with my numbers to date, but there is no sense dwelling on it. I have been working on an attitude makeover for the new week. I want to WANT to work hard, I want to WANT to eat well. Instead of phrasing everything in a "I don't want to" way, I need to remember why I'm doing this and that I have limited time with this amazing opportunity.

Push yourself! There are only six weeks left!!

I am going to get back to weighing and measuring my food, and work really hard at the gym this week. My Tuesday and Thursday cardio will be a solid 45-60 minutes.

I can do better! I hope to make my goal of 199 by the end of this program. I can reach that if I really put my mind to it.

I will be posting portion sizes and cardio workouts for the week on here, to keep myself accountable :)

I am annoyed.
When I'm annoyed, I want to eat.
When I'm annoyed about not being able to eat something, I especially want to eat.

Today at the gym my trainer pushed me so hard on the spin bike and then the weights that I nearly threw up. I had to stop mid-class to rest and drink water. He was getting on my back about it, when my death-glare must have clued him in. If I had opened my mouth to say "I'm going to barf", I would have barfed.

At the end of the class we reviewed my food journal. He didn't even CARE about what I ate over Thanksgiving. He didn't care one bit. However, he did care about a million other things and sent me home feeling pretty ticked off. He has decided that I am to have:

1) No more cereal for breakfast. (He doesn't care if it's healthy like High Fiber Bran, Vector, Just Right, Kashi, or whatever. No cereal period). I am to have oatmeal instead. I don't have a lot of time in the morning so I guess I'll be making oatmeal before bed at night.)

2) No more carbs at dinner. No potatoes, rice, pasta, whatever. He said veggies and protein only, and fruit in the evenings for snacks. THIS one PISSES me off! I don't know why... but it does. I am really good at watching what I eat in terms of portion sizes and healthfulness, but when someone says I CANT have something... it triggers this monster inside that makes me want to go on a binge-spree of said item. So of course, this made me want to devour a bunch of potatoes and bread. Thankfully, my boyfriend talked to me about everything, made me feel a bit better about it, and agreed that he will go without carbs in the evenings too - we'll do it together. I love this man :)

3) Measure my food. He only seems to care about breakfast and lunch portions, though. Uh, okay. Done.

4) Bring in nutritional info for all the weirdo vegan food I eat. Well, he didn't call it weird, but he's been constantly harping at me about almond milk and mock meats. For example, I have tried to explain that almond milk is WAY better than soy milk but he wants proof. Ugh.


I think in addition to all that stuff I was mostly annoyed because he was saying that he wants to see "bigger numbers" from me. He says I'm doing good but that he knows I can do better - that I need to up my cardio and make this little changes in my diet to get better results. I am trying SO HARD! Yes I only lost 9.5 lbs last month. (I realize the absurdity of that statement). However, the calipers showed the 20 lb fat loss, 11 lb lean mass gain. He doesn't care. He says calipers are useless and I should ignore them totally; the scale is what matters.

Grumble.

So I haven't written in a while. Life's been BUSY.

I had another 0 at weigh in last week. How frustrating!! 3 weeks at the same weight means I'm REALLY hoping to lose something this week. It really sucks to be going to the gym 6 days per week, watching my boyfriend eat delicious snacks, and *licks lips* the wine... oh how I miss the wine... all for a big fat GOOSE EGG at the scale.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but it's hard. I'm paying BIG money for this bootcamp, I'm busting my arse. I know I'm not getting as much cardio in as I should be, however, I am juggling this with full time university and a job. I'm only human... my housework has certainly fallen to the wayside over all of this.

I've been trying not to binge eat, because I've been craving carbs pretty badly. I don't know if I'm eating enough protein because I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I have been getting a little mock ham in my lunch sandwich, and whatever tofu/Gardien chik'n/beans, etc that we have for dinner. It's enough to be healthful but I think I need more.

I had a little epiphany the other day. I was dragging my arse to the gym, as I feel like I have been doing all week. Ever since my last post about not wanting to go I've continued to feel like that. Yesterday when I was walking and whining inside my head "I don't want to go" "Ugh, I don't have time for this" etc, a little light bulb went on. By resisting it, I'm simply making it harder for myself. I need an attitude adjustment! Things are much more pleasant and much easier when we embrace them. I have taken the "it's happening, so I may as well try to enjoy it" attitude yesterday and today and I've had 2 really good workouts. Much better than if I got there and started thinking "This sucks, I'm going to just do 20 minutes" or whatever.

Ugh.

Alright so I haven't written since Sunday. My week has been a bit scrambled, and unfortunately it is not looking good on the scale.
I missed my Monday bootcamp and Tuesday cardio to go camping. While I was camping I did my best for food choices, however veggie dogs did make a convenient lunch, and apparently my trainer doesn't think that was a good choice. I did get lots of exercise, I was BEYOND SORE from climbing some really tall trees (see pic above) and we did a few beach walks and a nice long kayak. Unfortunately, when I got home from the trip my parents wanted to take me out for dinner (it was my birthday). We went for my favourite - Thai food. I did manage to make better choices, I had a tofu stirfry that wasn't in a coconut milk sauce. I had one veggie spring roll and stuck to water. The following night, my actual birthday, we just had salad and baked tofu for dinner. It was light and fresh and yummy. I did go to the gym on my b-day, (Wednesday), and I did my "make up" session today. I made sure to get a little extra cardio too, however the scale is not being nice. I'm quite worried that I'm going to have a gain this Sunday. After that awesome loss, I really would like to at LEAST have a stay the same!!

I want this week to be over, gain or not, so I can get on with a better week. I want to be able to attend MY class time with my trainer and teammates, I want to pay closer attention to following the meal plan. It's just been an off week all around and I just hope it doesn't result in a gain!!

full...

Ugh, I am so super full right now. In fact, I sort of feel like this fish:

My boyfriend made two loaves of fresh whole wheat focaccia bread, so we had veggie paninis for lunch. It seems that deciding to do this bootcamp has given me an excuse to stop counting points and just eat until I'm full. Bad idea!! I wanted a little scoop of ice-cream and maybe to share a bottle of wine with Joe, simply because it will be 12 weeks before I'm able to do those things again - however I've taken it a bit far by abandoning points altogether. I haven't gone crazy or anything, I've still been eating healthful - as I always do - however I've taken a bigger helping here and an extra bite there - and now I feel like the fish in this comic!! hehe

Anyways, I've got a big glass of water and I'm going make something light, fresh and healthy for dinner - probably just salad. I'll be counting points again tomorrow. Perhaps I can get some APs in tonight or tomorrow as well. It's amazing to me that I really do NOT like the feeling of being full, where before, at my highest weight - that is what I would strive for.

I also love that I can curb myself really fast now. I have one not-even-that-bad day and it's right back on track... simply because I really don't like the feeling of being out of control, or eating too much, or eating poorly. It makes me feel yucky.

I work a lot for the next few days and then it back to school. Bootcamp starts in T-9 days!! Sunday September 12th will be our first outdoor workout. I will post a frumpy, flabby, unflattering "before" pic for all of you to enjoy :)

feeling emotional

For some reason this whole bootcamp thing has been making me really emotional. I even dreamed about it last night. I feel so sick and tired of being fat. I've been on this journey for four years and I'm just SO ready to be at goal. Ready NOW.

I am willing to put in the effort it takes, the sweat and dedication, but I need to be seeing results. As of now I am exercising daily and eating well, but yielding painstakingly slow results ( less than .5 lbs/week! ). I look and feel better than ever - which has given me a taste for more. I just want it so bad!!

I keep wracking my brain trying to decide if I can come up with the money. Technically I *can* do it, but it's more a question of *should* I. Would it be irresponsible to spend that kind of money? I can't believe how expensive it is. BUT I'm trying to look at it as an investment that may not return in dollar signs, but in a healthful and long life.

I was laying on the couch tonight thinking about how badly I want this and I started to get choked up. It's basically like someone saying "Give me $820 and I'll get you to goal in twelve weeks." I have to bust my ass at the gym and eat a very healthful diet - so yes I have to do the work - but having that structured program to whip me in to shape has always been where I thrive.

I have a little voice telling me I can do it on my own, but it will take longer. Probably another year or more, with effort. I feel like a little kid having a temper tantrum, saying "No, NOW!! I want it NOWWWWWW"

Sigh.

I'm going to see if the gym owner will give me a discount as a returning participant, and see if my family may contribute. My boyfriend is very supportive of whatever I choose, so ultimately it's my own decision.

Heavier sigh.

good day, not so good day

Yesterday: (GOOD DAY)

Woke up, jogged to the gym, worked out for an hour, walked home. Then, I walked to and from work (to work, home for lunch, to work, back home). I ate well, then in the evening I biked over to a friends house and back. It was a really great day!!

Today: (NOT SO GOOD DAY)
Woke up, walked to work. Ate thai food for lunch. Walked home. We are having vegan pizza for dinner, and plans to drink some cider and have a stay-in night. I'm okay with all this but feeling a little guilty about the thai lunch AND pizza AND cider in one day - with little exercise.

Tomorrow is my first WI for my Long Term Challenge (30lbs by Dec 31)

HOWEVER - That said - tomorrow I am going to Vancouver with my mom and sister for a girls day, so we will be WALKING ALL DAY and shopping. I imagine I'll be walking for 8-10 hours. Okay. I feel better now. Sort of... :P

I'm Alive...

I have been doing bootcamp, but nothing more and nothing less. In the first week I was working out twice per day, sticking to my points and super motivated. NOW I'm working out only when and for how long they tell me too, and although I'm eating what they ask me to eat I'm not tracking points. Last week I gained 1 lb. This week I'm just hoping to lose that 1 lb or STS.

My trainer is going to be so disappointed in me. I should be dropping 3-5 lbs per week; and although I lost 15 lbs in 15 days, I then went another 15 days with very little, if any progress. I get my calipers done today so at least we'll see if I lost inches. I do fell kinda bloated and water logged today though because I drank the last two nights in a row.

I keep on having drinks with friends because it's a fun and easy escape from my life. I have been hanging out with the new room mate a lot so we can get to know each other a bit before he moves in. I am pretty apprehensive now, though. I feel like I'm making a HUGE mistake. I think I need to go to counseling... :(

I'm really scared that leaving my husband was a bad choice. I do love him very, very much.

Overall I'm just feeling pretty down. I haven't been spending a lot of time on the computer. I will try to get back into the routine of posting my workouts and stuff. It's just hard when the enthusiasm isn't there!

One thing that is really bothering me is... my new room mate and his friends seem to be fat-phobic. I didn't realize that about him at first, but I've gone with him and his friends to play pool a few times and I am starting to pick up on it. A few nights ago I sat there and listened to them all talk about this really overweight woman in the corner of the pub. She was not dressed appropriately for her body type in my opinion, which is probably why she was attracting the negative attention. If she was sitting in the corner dressed normally they may not even have noticed her. Also, I hear them talk about women the go out on dates with and stuff and they talk about how she 'had a nice body' or 'was a bit bigger' or whatever... very focused on appearance instead of saying 'she was funny' or 'she seemed smart.' It REALLY got to me.

Anyways, it made me feel weird. I forget that I've lost so much weight and I'm not as fat as I used to be. It's been almost a year and a half since I reached 100lbs lost, I've been maintaining at this weight for a while. I am still overweight but I often forget that I am normal-overweight not wow-look-at-her overweight. :(

I feel very sad and confused and messed up about a lot of things. I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm doing, and what is important to me seems to be changing on a daily basis. I can't think :(

Tried to Work Out

Workout Length: 20 mins
Calories Burned: 284 (55% fat)

I dragged my butt to the gym this morning, but I only stayed 20 minutes. My mind is not in it with all this stuff happening in my personal life. I had 3 different people ask me where I was yesterday, and I kept hearing music that made me want to cry. I just want to curl up in a ball and not go to work, or the gym, or anywhere :(

Missed Boot Camp

Yesterday I skipped my regular cardio routine and just went for a walk.
Today I didn't go to boot camp.

I have having problems at home, I shouldn't let that interfere with my bootcamp but I am kind of a mess right now. My trainer is going to KILL me for missing 2 days - and I drank some beer. He'll probably prescribe me 30,000 lunges. lol

My belly aches, my head aches, and my heart aches :(

I'm very sad.

Stopped Mid-Binge

I just had the most bizarre scenario.

I have been feeling snacky all day, and I've been unable to curb it. I had been sticking to my planned menu, but when I started feeling snacky I had some extra cucumber, baby carrots, snap peas... It didn't help.

I ended up remembering that I had a 1/2 bag of popcorn leftover from the movies last night. (Now remember: Movie popcorn w/no butter is 3x more points/calories than regular air-popped!) I thought "I'll have one handful, it's salty and that might fix my snacking feeling"

One, two, three handfuls later I was still chowing down. I almost felt like I couldn't actually stop if I tried! I haven't felt like that in a LONG time. Looooong time.

I ended up dropping the bag of popcorn in the sink and turning the tap on it. I know that sounds extreme, but if I didn't do that I know I would have devoured the whole bag.

Now I'm cooking the nice healthy dinner I had planned, and I don't think I did too much damage. I have to write it down, and my trainer won't be pleased, BUT I feel kinda proud of myself for coming to my senses mid-binge instead of feeling guilty post-binge.

:)