Saturday thoughts :)

My legs are killing me today. Ouchie!!
We had our workout last night and we did some really hard stuff.

We did one legged squats, where you put one foot up over your knee and then squat. We did rope lunges, where you place your foot on the boxing ring rope and then lunge forward with the other leg. (1 legged lunges, essentially) We did a bazillion push ups, lots of crunches. I tried to get a little extra cardio in.

I *really* need to ditch my home scale, but I am finding it extremely difficult. I stepped on this morning and it is still showing me up 1 lb. It causes me to wrack my brain with "what should I do? More cardio? Rest day and lots of water? Eat more? Eat less??"

My boyfriend told me to STOP weighing myself, but it's not that easy. My trainer told me to stop, the gym owner told me to STOP. I went to all three of them with "what should I do, the scale says I'm up!?" and all of them say "Who cares?" If you are eating right, exercising, and following the plan, you will NOT get fat, you will NOT gain weight. It's a fluctuation, simple as that.

I know I always give that advice to other people, but I am admittedly scale obsessed. I thought about telling my boyfriend to hide the scale on me while I'm at work so I don't know where it is. When I went to call him, I felt anxious (no scale!?!) and chickened out. What the heck??

I was thinking about this on the way to work. I think it is a bizarre need to show others that I'm succeeding. I don't want to be up because then when my mom, friends, or teammates ask about my WI, I have to tell them. I feel like I have something to prove, but I don't know what and I don't know to who.

Yesterday in class, all of my classmates were talking about how inspiring it was to watch me climb a 3 story tall tree even though I'm desperately afraid of heights. The first time I did it, I was hyperventilating and crying by the time I got to the top. I am REALLY afraid of heights. The next day, I felt like I had to try it again, to do it without freaking out, just to show I could. I did - I climbed all the way to the top, and then even did the swinging bridge. My friends were all cheering at the bottom and taking pictures. People I barely know came and told me how proud they were of me. It was embarrassing... but I had to prove to myself and other people that I wasn't going to let something that scares me control me.

There was one point at about 7 meters high where I was completely frozen in fear, my fingers were freezing and purple, and my body would not move despite my mind. All I could say was "I'm stuck!! I can't do this, I'm stuck!" But then I would use the mantra that my previous Professor (and now dear friend) told me: "I choose to feel relaxed and calm"... I mantra'd my way through and managed to get my body climbing again. Later, my friend Jeff said "I honestly thought you were going to give up. If I was stuck on the side of the tree like that, and as afraid as you were, I would have given up."

I kind of feel like that is how it is with my weight loss. When I have everyone around me staring at me, waiting to see if I give up... I power through and keep going. If there was no audience it would probably be a different story. Who climbs a 3 story tree with no one around to watch?