A trip down memory lane

I have been called fat my whole life. It's something that happened somewhat often growing up. I can think of a few times that really stung and stuck with me, though. I thought I would share a few memories that helped catalyst me into changing my life.

1) When I was at my heaviest weight I was at a family BBQ. My aunt and uncle had recently adopted a young boy, and we were just getting to know him and welcome him to the family. In good ol' BBQ style, I loaded up my plate with food and went to find a seat on the deck. As I started to squeeze myself into a patio chair, he yelled (in front of about 30 people):

"WOAH! Are you going to FIT in that chair!!??"

It went SILENT and everyone stared at me (or looked away, out of awkwardness). It was AWFUL. I've never been more humiliated in my LIFE!! I ended up excusing myself and going and crying in my grandmother's bedroom. UGH.

2) I was about 20 years old and I had gotten all dressed up to go out to the bar with my friends. Yes, I was very heavy, but I thought I looked good, I felt good, and I was ready for a night out.

I was on a full bus headed downtown when this old man started talking to across the aisle at me.

He shouted "Hey, are you headed to The Carlton?"

I looked around, and yes, he was talking to me. "Uh, No... I'm going to Evolution."

Then, shouting over all the other passengers, he says "Oh! I would've thought you were going to The Carlton! All the fat chicks hang out at The Carlton!"

I was so F-ING embarrassed. What a jerk. What is wrong with people?? UGH.

3) One day my friends and I decided to skip work and go to Playland in Vancouver. It was a spontaneous and fun adventure! We each called in sick to work while driving down the highway and heading for the Ferry. When we got to Vancouver, we all purchased day passes and headed for the rides.

The first ride I went on, the seatbelt wouldn't fit, so I had to get off. The second ride I tried, the air-locking overhead harness couldn't close over my body. I was too big. I had to get off. I walked up to a few more rides and saw weight restrictions on their signs.

I felt embarrassed and sad. My friends all paid for very expensive day passes and we had traveled far to get there. So I assured them I was OKAY and to PLEASE continue having fun!! I would meet them later.

I went to the customer service counter at the park and cried... I was so embarrassed to have to ask for a refund on my ticket because I was too fat to go on any of the rides. They did give me my money back, and I spent the rest of the day wandering around the non-ride side of the park waiting for my friends to finish their fun.

UGH.

Back in the swing of it

We have been doing th P90X for a few days. It's intense!!
It feels really good to be back on a regular exercise routine. I've been tracking my food every day and being overall very conscious!

I have been given a new practicum placement, with a new class/teacher/school. I'm very excited and I cannot WAIT to meet them! I went digging in my closet to find some clothes to wear and all of my size 18 dress pants are baggy in the butt. :( I went shopping at 3 different stores last night to find a pair of dress pants that would be suitable (and not too expensive.)

It seems I am in between sizes, and that sucks!! 18s are too big. They are saggy in the butt. 16s are just a bit too snug in the tummy, though. It's very frustrating! If there was a size 17 - I'd be it.

I tried on a zillion pairs of pants and I ended up buy one that is just a smidge too tight. I will continue wearing my saggy butt pants for another 5-10 lbs, and then try on the tight ones again. I'm hoping it will not be long before they fit properly!

Progress Pic - over 150 lbs down

So I thought I'd post some pictures... just for fun.

We have allllll seen the before pictures, this is nothing new.
Me in August of 2007:

These were taken last week at a event I attended:

Dang, I gained.

These past few weeks have been tough for me, as I have been REALLY busy.

I hosted my first animal rights event, a fundraiser to send 3 local activists (friends of mine) to Japan to act as Sea Shepherd Cove guardians. The event went REALLY well and we raised over $1500! There was also a vegan bake sale and I ended up with a lot of the leftovers... eek :/

I also had dinner at a friends house, my boyfriend's birthday dinner, his mom's birthday dinner, and some other things that made for quick-meals or restaurant eating. I feel like it's time to really reign it in, not just for the calories/weight aspect, but for my budget!! haha

Last night I did overeat a bit. My boyfriend went out to a friends house and I watched a girly movie and ate enough popcorn for two. haha. I also had a couple of cookies - but I managed to stay away from the wine!! I really wanted some, and in hindsight one glass of wine would have been better than the two cookies I ate trying to ignore the wine. haha

I stepped on the scale this morning and it showed me up to 206, which is a gain of 2.6 lbs. I was hoping to have at least stayed the same over these past few weeks, but realistically I ate out A LOT and the only exercise I got was walking places.... so I am going to own that and take the gain. My official WI isn't until tomorrow so I'm trying to repent with water and fruit. haha

I think we start the P90X on Monday. I'll have to talk to the bf about it and see. I think either Sunday or Monday start, that way our rest day will be either Saturday or Sunday.

I will take before pictures and measurements, and after pictures and measurements. Let's see if this at home working out thing works. If it doesn't seem to be happening then I guess I will suck it up and start going to the crappy university gym.

Gym goes under!!

So on Sunday, Joe & I went down to the gym to work out, to find the gates locked and everything closed up. We thought that was really weird but figured maybe and employee didn't show up for the opening shift or something. We didn't think too much of it, jogged around the waterfront and headed home.

The next day while I was at school Joe went down to the gym again. He texted me saying that it appears they have gone under!! There were big signs on the windows saying 'failure to pay rent' and that the locks had been changed. The parking lot was fully gated off.

I checked my bank account and my fees had come out THAT DAY, of - freaking - course.

So now I have to cancel all my checks. I called the bank and they can't claw back the money that has already been taken (ugh, oh well... they need it more than I do it seems)

I'm just glad they only got $34 of my dollars. I have a friend that is now out over $300 because she paid for a year up front, and those POOR PEOPLE who put out over $800 on the most recent Biggest Loser program!!! Oh my goodness!! I'm so glad I did the bootcamp and in September, and then opted out for the January program. I *almost* considered rejoining but I couldn't afford to do it twice in a row. PHEW!!

At this time we don't have a vehicle and this gym is suuuuuper close, (3-4 minute jog) from our house. The next closest gym is one that is on an awkward bus route and I don't know that I love the idea of bussing to and from the gym. (It would cancel out any spontaneous workouts, I feel. Also I wouldn't want to ride home sweaty and I hate showering at the gym).

Today Joe & I went down to the mall and bought a second yoga mat, balance ball, some more resistance bands, and a couple of weights. Thank GOODNESS he is a personal trainer and will keep our butts on track until we figure out a new gym plan. For now, we're going back to the idea of starting the P90X like we had talked about last month.

I'm frustrated and disappointed. I really liked this gym... the owner was great, the trainers were nice, the location was PERFECT!

Boo urns :(

All alone this summer :(

So it has been decided, and I don't like it!! haha

My boyfriend, who I live with, and who I have never been apart from for more than a few nights, and who I love with every fiber of my BEING... will be going away for THREE MONTHS!!

Who will cook for me, clean for me, and kick my arse to the gym??? haha.. just kidding. Kindof.

I am feeling like I'm going to miss him terribly, but it's for a good cause - getting an apprenticeship in sustainable farming... to come back here and hopefully be able to make some good $$. With me graduating in June and him getting this training, we will finally be set to pay off debt/buy a house/have kids... you know, all those things grown ups do :)

I know with technology it will be okay, Skype is a great tool to have... we'll have our phones and computers and whatnot.

Instead of being apprehensive about boredom eating and falling lazy, I'm trying to see it as 3 months to get my self in super-hot shape, so that when he returns he doesn't even recognize me!!

Blargh. I miss him already!!

Keeping on Track

I have been tracking diligently since New Years Day. I have been really doing well!
I was back up to 208.8 on New Years Day (all the Christmas happenings I am guessing), but as of this morning I am back down.

I'm now at 203.4... that's COMFORTABLY close to 200 lbs! hehe

Unfortunately I am going out for dinner not one, not two, but THREE times this week. Twice will be in restaurants and once will be at a friends house. I will have to make the best choices I can!

It is Joe's birthday tomorrow so I'm making vegan Reese Peanut Butter Cups for him in lieu of a cake. Thankfully, I am in charge of how much sugar goes in them, and I can make them into manageable sizes so they aren't KILLER on calories :)

I recently discovered the worlds most HEAVENLY ice-cream. It's Coconut Bliss Chocolate Hazelnut Fudge. It's a whopping 240 calories per HALF CUP!! But sooooooooo delicious *drool*

Joe and I have been taking about starting the couch to 5K. (Again, I swear I try it once a year haha) one day it will stick!! I think we decided to pass on the p90x because of the time commitment required. I will keep the videos on my laptop for if I get snowed in and need an at-home workout :)

I also rediscovered the amazingness that is... skipping!! My mp3 player froze at the gym and I despise doing cardio without good music. I went over to work on some weight/calisthenics when I saw it there in the corner... calling my name... a skipping rope!

I skipped for 10 minutes and it KICKED. MY. ASS.

I forgot how awesome it is! It works your abs and is amazing cardio at the same time. My heartrate was WAYYYY up, and I was sweating instantly. I need to get myself a skipping rope for at home... 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there... that would be awesome!

Here's to a lazy day of homework and laundry... I need it :)

New Year's Eve

Our plans have changed for New Year's Eve.

We have decided that we are DONE with the holidays and all of the eating, drinking, and excess that it brings. The thought of attending another party, having another hangover, or eating more unneeded high-cal food is extremely unappealing. We are both looking forward to a good, fresh start and want to start this health-kick off in style.

My boyfriend and I will be attending a silent, candlelight hot yoga class tonight! The yoga goes from 10:30 TO 11:30, followed by a long meditation. Then people gather in the lobby all sweaty and uplifted for refreshing snacks and drinks, and a toast to 2011.

I am REALLY looking forward to this. I am not even disappointed that I won't get to wear my new dress :) We will then be spending Saturday and Sunday on a fresh-juice fast, using the new juicer we got for Christmas. It's not for weight loss but for kicking all the processed junk from our systems. We will clean out the cupboards so that on Monday when we go back to eating solid foods there are only good choices in the house.

What is more relaxing, refreshing, and renewing than a hot yoga class and raw food/fresh juice fast?

So Happy New Year! This is the year of GOAL for me... Not only will I reach my weight loss goal this year (I will! Notice this is not "I might", or "I hope"), but I am also graduating university and reaching my goal of becoming a teacher. Both projects took 5 years to complete... I started my weight loss journey only a few weeks before entering first year university.

To all my friends who have helped me along the way - may 2011 bring health, happiness, peace, and see many goals achieved :)

DRUMROLL PLEASE!!!.....

This is what I woke up to this morning:

355 - 204.8 = 150.2 LBS LOST!!

Took long enough, didn't it?? haha...

But finally, I can say I did it! It is a very nice Christmas present to myself :) And what a motivator!! I feel like I could say no to any thing that is shoved in my face today, any fresh-baked treat, any sugary-goodness. Seeing that number was exactly what I needed to get through the holiday season!!

Here is the picture of my dress that I promised. KEEP IN MIND that it was taken after 4 hours of shopping. My hair is a mess, and hey - I'm not wearing any Spanx!! I will be wearing them on New Years so I will look even slimmer :)

I will put up a more polished photo, and maybe some before-after pictures to show the 150 lost as soon as I get a chance.

Now, on to kicking the 200's out of the picture...

Pardon my emo-ment

So last night I was having a bit of an emo moment. I was really upset that the dress I bought was too tight. Today I returned it and spent 4 hours shopping in the mall, boyfriend in tow, looking for a more suitable outfit.

I found it! I found a purple dress at Ricki's (in Large!). I loved it and bought it. Then, I went across the way and saw ANOTHER perfect dress. I tried it on and my boyfriend liked it better than the one I'd just bought. So we went back to Rickis to return the purple dress and went home with the new, prettier (also Large) dress from Guava. Good Gawd, after 4 hours of shopping I am glad I found SOMETHING. I think I tried on 30-40 dresses. haha

It's beautiful. I will post pictures when I'm not so tired. All that walking and getting changed is very exhausting.

~ H

Well this is mighty embarrassing.

Who am I kidding? Seriously.

The look on his face this evening was a major reality check. It's amazing how an expression can speak volumes. Volumes that say "That dress does NOT fit"

He didn't even HAVE to say anything. I could see he was surprised, speechless even. And no, it wasn't because I looked amazing. It was more like a deer caught in the headlights, really. I saved him the horror of having to tell me I looked like an overstuffed sausage by turning around and walking out of the room... taking off the pressure to either patronize me or be truthful.

This sucks.

Tonight was a big wake up call, and something I think I needed.
Reality check: You are still fat.
Reality check: You are NOT a size medium. Period.

I think I got a little carried away with feeling great. Compliments have been pouring in, I've been feeling better than ever in my own body. I was actually starting to feel happy with my body and myself. THEN it appears I got delusional for a moment.

At 206ish lbs, one does not fit a size medium. With a gut like mine, one does not wear a tight black dress. It is unflattering and silly. What was I thinking? Who allowed me to go shopping ALONE? Better yet, how did I actually think that looked GOOD??

I am getting up in the morning and I am going to the gym. I am then promptly returning to The Bay for a refund on my many-sizes-too-small dress. I considered keeping it, as a goal type thing; but I don't know that it will ever look good on me so why waste good money. I will always have a gut, even at goal... that is an unfortunate bi-product of significant weight loss. Oh well.

I feel embarrassed that not only did I rave about this dress to my boyfriend, and then put it on to be met with speechlessness, but that I raved about it to on my favourite message board and got so many wonderful replies. Please excuse my temporary insanity...

~ PJ

water water water... exercise!

Today my mission is to drink 4 or more liters of water.
I am only .8 away from my 150 lbs lost...

I am having fresh fruit for snacks, hummus and pita for lunch, and a nice homemade veggie spaghetti for dinner.

My boyfriend went and renewed my gym membership for me while I was at work yesterday, which is really sweet of him. (It would have been even sweeter if he had paid for it :P)

So I'm going to eat fresh today and drink lots of water, go to the gym after work and then relax with movies this evening. I have my fingers crossed that that will be the boost I need to lose the last .8... and reach a really big mini-goal :)

~ H

Long catch-up post :)

Rum and soynog... YUM!

I think I'm getting into the Christmas spirit, as I've been enjoying my fair share of baking and drinks. I am SO HAPPY to be finished my practicum and there has been an awful lot of celebrating. There are Christmas parties this weekend and next, then Christmas (and then New Years!). A good 3 weeks of celebrating are upon me.

I don't feel worried, or stressed about weight. I'm still at my lowest weight (208), and I've been keeping an eye on it. I am going to get my arse back to the gym starting either Monday or Tuesday. If not for losing, I'd be happy to exercise for the sake of exercising and keeping any Seasonal Pounds from creeping on. My boyfriend and I are excited about having a few weeks off together, and one of the things that is so exciting is being able to get some good quality, scheduled exercise in. :)

I am asking for some weights and resistance bands for Christmas, and Joe & I are going to try out the P90X workouts. It is an intense at-home workout routine that yields AMAZING results when done properly. I'm excited :)

I have had a few neat experiences recently. People are noticing my weight loss and it's really nice. The other day I was out for a birthday dinner with my family, and my mom said the strangest thing to me in the ladies washroom.

"Heather, you're looking very... normal."

It was a sideways compliment I guess, she meant it in the best way possible... what she was trying to say is that I don't look overweight anymore. I know I'm still overweight but I finally LOOK fairly normal! I don't stand out in a crowd (at least not because of my weight). :)

This next bit might sound a bit vain, but I feel safe to blog it, so here it goes:

I have a girl friend who I have always thought "she looks great. She's not too small, and I'd be happy to look like that!!" Well, the other day we were talking about weight loss efforts etc, and she divulged her weight to me. She's only TEN POUNDS lighter than me. TEN! I know our bodies are shaped differently, but we are the same height and similar build otherwise. I was secretly so happy to hear that because I have always thought she looked great... that means I'm probably not too far off :)

So overall, these past few weeks have been a little lacking in exercise and a little heavy in treats, but I'm maintaining my weight and a good attitude. I am going to ride it out with a stay the same or small loss this holiday season, I'm hoping :)

~ H

It's over, but it ain't over...

So, Although I'm disappointed, I'm not dwelling on it.
I missed the week of bootcamp and it was entirely due to end-of-semester busyness and very little to do with motivation. I've been wanting so badly to get out and get exercising. I've been wanting fresher foods around the house and cannot WAIT for my break do I can clean up and work out.

Today would be the day that I take my measurements and pictures and what not, but I feel like it wouldn't be that accurate of a comparison. I lost 22 lbs in 9 weeks, and then week 10, 11, and 12 were written off. One for laziness, two for business. I knew getting into the program that that would be a possibility.

Would I do it again?? Heck yes!! I love that kind of accountability and butt-kicking :) It's too expensive for me right now, but I do enjoy it a lot.

In my 3 weeks away from tracking and working out, I went up, up more, down, down more, fluctuating all over the place. This morning, I stepped on the scale (sunday mornings are my Official WI day) and I am back down to my lowest. :) Thank goodness!

Start 231
Current 208.8
Total 22.2
Total lost to date: 146.2

I don't know that I'll make 199 by New Years Day, but I'm sure I can make 150 lbs lost by New Years day. That's only 3.8 lbs away!

Losing steam...

Help me, I'm losing steam!

I have been really struggling to stay motivated. I went to the gym today and on Wednesday, but it was like pulling teeth to get my arse out the door. I was practically dragging myself there against my own will. haha

I only have one week left of bootcamp and I've gained a few pounds in the 10 day hiatus I took. It snowballed from missing one class to missing a whole week or more of tracking and exercising. It's amazing how easy it is to just skip once, skip twice, and then next thing you know you haven't been to gym in nearly two weeks!

I did go to my last few classes, and I won't be missing any more, but I'm struggling to get back to tracking and drinking water, and ultimately CARING about weight loss.

I think a good week back on plan may cure this motivation lull, but we'll see. I have a really busy week coming up with practicum and whatnot, but that will help me plan and journal, because I have to be packing lunches the night before.

Sigh!!

At least I did a killer spin & weights class tonight, to counteract the two big vegan cookies I ate today :P

WI Week 9

Bootcamp Start Weight: 231
Previous Weight: 213
Current Weight: 209
Current Loss: 4 lbs
Total Loss: 22 lbs

Overall Total Loss: 146 lbs

Down 4 this week!
I'm coming up on 150 lbs down, and closing in on leaving the 200's forever!

I am feeling very motivated and plan to have a repeat of my awesome week :)

WI tomorrow

Why do I always get nervous the night before weigh in?

Did I eat too much today? Did I eat too little?
Did I have too much salt? Will my loss still show tomorrow?
How late is too late to be drinking water or tea??

I've been doing this for four years... you'd think I'd be cool as a cucumber the night before weigh in. But I'm not... haha

Even though I know I'll show a loss tomorrow, and even though I am having all these other positive things happen for me, I still get the jitters on the night before weigh in!!

Gahh.

:)

Excellent Week :)

I am having the best week that I have had in MONTHS! I have been totally 100% on plan with my food, making healthy choices, tracking every little bit and drinking lots of water. I have gone to they gym, hot yoga, or both everyday this week!

The scale is reflecting kindly and I'm aiming to get under 210 this week!

I am so exited... I am starting to FEEL small. My body fits into normal clothes. I don't stick out like a sore thumb in photographs. I ENJOY exercise and healthful foods!

I remember a time when this was the future... and this was something I wasn't even sure I could achieve. I'm here, I persisted, and I'm looking forward to the next leg of journey!!

:)

Dear Body...

Dear body,

I am sorry for everything I have put you through. You took it so well, without even complaining. I would stuff you fill of high fat, high sodium, low-nutrient garbage and animal products, yet you still would function. You never betrayed me and gave out on me. You avoided diabetes or heart problems. I made you fat, I stretched you out to the point of irrepair; I neglected you and despised you. I resented you. I am sorry, for this is all my fault.

Body, I love you. I thank you for the wonderful beautiful places you help me see, the people you let me know, and the things you help me do. You are strong and resilient. I love it when we work together to achieve a common goal. I am trying to make you healthy again. I promise to move you every day, and in many new and different ways. I promise to keep you taken care of with the proper nutrition and vitamins you need to function. I promise to drink lots of fresh, clean water to keep you hydrated and running properly. I want you to be around and at your best for a very long time.

I will no longer put you down or call you names. I want to think of you like a friend, an entity separate from myself. I would never say such mean things about a friend. I wouldn’t stare at a friend in disgust or think about how my friend could be so much better. I will encourage you, compliment you, and embrace you for what you have to offer.

Body, you are beautiful. Your hair is straight, an envy of many others. Your eyes are expressive and have pretty orange flecks in them. Your nose is cute as a button, the kind you see on babies or cartoon characters. Your mouth is small, so don’t use it to shout (unless you’re shouting for a cause). Your shoulders are tanned, your arms strong. Your hands remind me of my mothers. I even have to like the skin on your stomach, it is soft and pale. Your hips are proportionate and womanly, your thighs have a nice shape. Your calves are muscular and can hold any stance. I have worked hard to get here and now I see I should have loved you all along, this may not have gone so far had I loved you and treated you like a friend from the beginning.

Please accept my deepest, most heartfelt apologies. Please forgive me. I promise to treat you with nothing but respect and loving kindness for the rest of my life.

Yours always,

Heather